To Someone *but not just anyone (Poem)

To Someone *but not just anyone (Poem)

Oh future one, who you may be, I’m giving all I have to be the one that you would fall for. I share the things I’d rather let alone, the moments that I treasure, I post in plain view, hoping that who you may be would see southing in me; something you haven’t seen.

I find myself shooting shots to every screen,  hoping that it would be a place my love hasn’t been, place that one would find my heart and treat it better then just another one. I don’t want this futile desperation, falsifying my character, overemphasizing my desires and heightening my anxiety with fear of rejection.

This is not who I am and not at all who I plan to be. My funk I’ve planted myself in will not be the place I stretch my roots in. I want to be at a place that God is all I need, with friends by my side. The family of God being unified, but in Christ, being satisfied. There’s still something about a life partner though. Something I long for, but something worth the lull, something worth fighting for.

I don’t want to settle for someone I don’t feel free with. Being tied down and walking on egg shells are thing I want to avoid like prison and bomb shells. I want to be able to be free without selling myself and advertising that I’m worth someones time. I want to be seen for me.

I want to be believed in. I want to be valued from one who’s willing to take me on; and it’s selfish in part, but I want to invest in someone and champion them for everything they are and everything they’ve done. I want to love. I want to hold hands and dance. I want to talk about the things we don’t understand. I want to stay up way too late, feeling drained, doing something mundane, but knowing who I’m doing it for is worth every second of the pain. I want to grow and be known, but more so, learn about someone from head to toe and toe to head and back again, because in each season we change and I don’t want to be ok with knowing who that someone was yesterday.

I don’t think my desires are too much of a fairy tail or a romantics dream, but if it is, I hope that someone is my dream come true.

Withdrawal 

My mind can not stop thinking of it. 

My heart longs for it.

My body craves it.

My mind doesn’t want it.

My heart longs to not long for it.

My body craves to not crave it. 
The cycle continues. 

It builds up, it wears down.

Each time it builds up, it builds up higher. 

Each time it wears down, it never returns to the low it once was.

I don’t get it.

After a while one of two thigs happen:

It gets easier <—–> I give in.

If it gets easier, there is freedom. There is peace.

If I give in, there is shame. There is relief.

Withdrawal sucks.

The pain I can’t explain, but I know there’s escape. 

It is only found through strength, but sometimes, I’m weak in faith.

Freedom has nothing to do with fate.

It doesn’t just happen and there’s no easy way. 

So as I crave, I will pray.

 I will try my hardest to hold onto faith, 

Ask God for more strength so I can stay,

Not to turn to betray. 


May the cycle not have the last words. 

May freedom and redemption win.

May my heart stay steadfast.

May Christ Jesus have the last words.