My mind can not stop thinking of it. 

My heart longs for it.

My body craves it.

My mind doesn’t want it.

My heart longs to not long for it.

My body craves to not crave it. 
The cycle continues. 

It builds up, it wears down.

Each time it builds up, it builds up higher. 

Each time it wears down, it never returns to the low it once was.

I don’t get it.

After a while one of two thigs happen:

It gets easier <—–> I give in.

If it gets easier, there is freedom. There is peace.

If I give in, there is shame. There is relief.

Withdrawal sucks.

The pain I can’t explain, but I know there’s escape. 

It is only found through strength, but sometimes, I’m weak in faith.

Freedom has nothing to do with fate.

It doesn’t just happen and there’s no easy way. 

So as I crave, I will pray.

 I will try my hardest to hold onto faith, 

Ask God for more strength so I can stay,

Not to turn to betray. 

May the cycle not have the last words. 

May freedom and redemption win.

May my heart stay steadfast.

May Christ Jesus have the last words.