2 Years Removed

Darkness. I sink so deep into darkness, yet I know about the light. 
I’ve read about and seen and even felt the light. And it only seems fitting that when that’s where my mind is, that I lie awake at night in the dark. 

 I search for happiness through the day. But like Indiana Jones, there’s always obstacle in my way, But I know that that treasure is somewhere to be found, but ’till then, I will find myself alone. 

And love is always one kiss away. But I can’t find that kiss and the pictures don’t say I love you or care if you stay. Just leave you lonely and scarred as they haunt you and say you’ll never find a true love because you’re filthy. You’ll never find a true love because the lovers are few. You’ll never have a true love, look where your loving has you. 

My hope, it hangs by a string, tied to memories and promises I received as a kid. So I’ll hang on tight and I won’t let it fall, because somehow I know it will be worth it all.

Now 2 years removed, so much has changed and so much is gone. So much has grown and things made right that were wrong, and that hope has kept me all along. Now the darkness is all gone away. Sometimes it comes around, but I won’t let him stay. I’ve become a good friends with the creator of light and I’ll cling to his side because he brings joy that’s not dry and that joy is my strength every day I have life. 

And happiness, I don’t seek it any longer. Of corse I want it, but it can not be found. It resides in joy and also in peace, so now I know that happiness is not the prize, but the byproduct of living a full life.
I see love is not found in a kiss, or a picture or a text that your missed. It’s not about sex and it can not be found in the darkness and loathing or the self destructive hours. When love comes about, it’s not always romantic, and in the best times, I didn’t see it coming at all. But it came from the people I’ve come to love the most. My friends on earth that are friends with the one above the earth. 

Love is found in conviction, in laughter, in long nights, in road trips, in prayers, in selfless giving, in inside jokes, in hard times and in memories. Love is not limited to these things, but stretches past our boundaries. Mostly because if i’m in my boundaries, the focus is still on me.

2 years removed from some of the darkest places in my life, I find myself looking back at all the things I thought mattered. I look at how it all led to decay and it all shattered. How what I thought was most important was the right focus with the wrong perspective. 

Hope, joy and love are still what drives me, yet now I know the light and he provides all my needs. His name is Jesus. And I’m no one special. That’s why I need him in every season. No less then anyone else daily needs him. 

Do you need him? He’s waiting for you. 
“Look! I stand at the door and knock. If you hear my voice and open the door, I will come in, and we will share a meal together as friends.” Revelation 3:20
Written July 20, 2016


Itching, like I just rolled around in fiberglass insolation, I’m itching.

I don’t know what to do so I’m gripping, and grasping for something new to find something that will smooth and set my heart at ease…………………… uhhhhh

It’s not working, ignoring makes me focus more closely to things I so deeply want souring far away from my life and each time I send them off, they just come back like a moth to a damned night and I can’t STAND IT!…………………ohhhhh

Random, am I living life of joy like my tattooed arm proclaims, that quotation, “The joy of the Lord is my strength” I once felt it in my veins, screamed truth through my DNA. Stop and think… yes this phrase is true, because when I’m strongest he is near and when I’m weakest I’m over there……….. ahhhhh

I’m growing, and I see new life out there. There’s so much to be seen, so many lives to hear of God’s glory, and so many still to live fuller lives, and to admit that… it’s friends that see us through. I know I can’t do this on my own… but with friends, we’re not alone.

But friends have dragged me here and there and friends have dragged me high and low. Friendship have come and go and become closer then a brother to a strangers a year later and I cannot go through life with friends like that if I can’t know they have my back. If I can’t know they’ll come at a drop of a hat. With friends like those, I’d be stuck. 

But now a days I’ve no excuse. I have friends who won’t let me fall. Now I can not recluse when I’m feeling of no use. When I’m hurt, or dirty or feel like death, I must turn back to my friends, the young ones for vision, old ones for wisdom and both for love and encouragement. 
I can’t stay here and itch, try to ignore or think anymore without a friend to know. To lead me back to joy. So when they’re here and I am there, I can give love back, so when somebody needs a friend, I’m there and I have back up and even when I itch again, when I try to ignore the pain, they’ll be there, but even so…….. 
I’ll have there backs. Because that’s what friends are for!

Freedom: Found 

Freedom isn’t found in a date. It’s found in His name.

This phrase has repeated in my mind for the past week, and I’ll tell you why:

I’ve grown up in the church, I’ve experienced friends trying to overcome drugs and I’ve heard so many stories of people (including myself) who want freedom from anything if it’s lazieness to porn and they want it now and for good. 

This isn’t a bad thing, but actually, a necessary step into freedom. There’s a very real move that we must step out of something, but often that step is looked at AS the freedom. You hear, “I’ve been clean since ____” (last week, last year, 6/7/16) and I am totally glad for those dates and those stories and testimonies of God’s goodness. What we have to remember through it all is to not put so much stock in a date. That if you slip up and lose that sobriety date, you don’t lose your freedom. 

I’ve seen myself totally forget and forfeit my freedom that I had for years because of shame and walked right back into my struggles and habits INSTEAD of standing on the promises of God, and declaring freedom in the name of Jesus Christ! 

The Bible says who the Son (Jesus) sets free is free indeed. (John 8:36) 

That means freedom isn’t temporary but is attainable for good! And expounding on what that looks like, the psalmist wrote “I will walk in freedom, for I have devoted myself to your commandments.” (‭‭Psalms‬ ‭119:45‬) because he understood this principle:

Freedom is an action word!

Freedom is found through daily surrendering our own motives and wishes to the Lord, becoming a slave to Jesus, because his load is easy and his burden is light, and giving up our slavery to sin, that is always heavy and never easy. 

The most important lesson I’ve learned though this is that:

  1. Sin (anything that separates us from fullness of life and fullness in our relationship with Jesus) is condemning and heavy. Aka, never fun in the end.
  2. Jesus wants me to be free and offers a way to get free!
  3. Freedom comes in a moment, but is acted upon for a life time.
  4. A slip up or backtrack or temptation doesn’t void your freedom. 
  5. Only you can void your freedom and only you can clame it!
  6. Freedom is not found in a date, but is found in following Jesus! It’s found in his name!

We all have the ability to accept the freedom God has offered us. Will you put your stock in your own willpower/date or will you put everything into the promises of God he laid out in his word and through his spirit living in you?