This poem I wrote almost 10 months ago. Lots has changed, some has come full circle, but it’s interesting to look back at and see how sometimes we fall into the same struggles we thought we conquered for good:

In the meantime.
This is probably the best place to start.
As questions and problems come, other ones go. But as I grow, I realize that there’s never a time of stop finish and then again, go.
It usually goes more like so.

Start one, while the last one is finishing and the one before will somehow keep on going, and when that one finally finishes, the next is soon coming, while the most recent one before has no sign of ending, but inevitably will before too many more have accumulated and continued piling.
Thinking on such things just seems to add on more strain and less answered questions.

And as I clime this mountain of questions, I begin to loose my breath. Because I’m unconditioned. My mind is not ready to take on the mountain I’ll call mt. Confusion. And why do I get so down on myself, when I know the journey will keep going on.

As every cross country runner knows, you don’t sprint in the middle, because you won’t have the push to finish. You might need that stored up energy to push past your opponent at that ending line. I guess I should’ve ran cross country, so I could train with the same strategy they’ve all told me. But in my life I’ve done so much talking, and quite a bit of listening, with very little discipline and maybe less obeying.

In the meantime, I’ve heard a lot of sermons, I’ve seen a lot of videos and I’ve even done a lot of changing. Changing that has even been positive and impacted how I go about living. But I haven’t been training.

My conditioning has not been constant.
I’ll work hard here to fall apart there.
Build up my mind, while immediately followed by a fall to my lusting desires, then shaming, then rearranging
My routine.

In the meantime, I’m seeking the Lord. I’m reading His word. I’m going to church and I’m encouraging the world, or at least the part I observe. I’m loving Jesus and I’m showing people their worth but in the meantime…

I’m questioning his words. If falling into selfishness and sin I’m even too embarrassed to admit has grabbed me again. But I feed them.

In the meantime, my mind and heart are driven by whatever pulls harder.
And I don’t need to keep giving in.
I know what brings joy that’s lasting.
I’ve felt the freedom and enlightenment found through fasting.
I’ve seen and experienced the power of prayer and I still know that God is there, so why do I stray from it?
Even enough to redirect my attention from what I know is true into a bunny trail, pondering why does this bible translation say, “God hardened Pharos heart” and let it eat away at me, when it really doesn’t make much difference in my heart today, even though it is explainably lost in translation, but that’s another topic.

In the meantime, I’ve never acquired self control. Between the lessons and pieces and bits, the most simple lesson somehow got missed.

Self control. It takes practice. It’s not easy, But it’s attainable. In the meantime, I’ll practice self control.

Feb. 28, 2016

Reading back at this for me is really neat, because I forgot some of it and I really feel like since them, there has been a lot of condissioning. I’ve realized now that what goes hand in hand for me with overcoming and pushing through these times is coming to a point of hating the junk so much that you can’t settle anymore. This is something that has to be causioned though, because we can’t project that hatered on ourselves or we will actually damage ourselves.

Hold onto hope, press through, learn lessons, put in the reps, hold onto Jesus and he will pull you through! You will conquer this through him and you will come out stronger if you let the lessons along the way teach you.

In the meantime is where we grow the most. Bring it on.