Have you ever been in a place that you feel like you have no clue what to do, but something has to change? That’s been me. I decided to get off social media, but I also decided to get off of solid food for a time and stick to a water and juice diet.
This was prodded by a lot of things, but what it really was motivated by was the desire to rewire myself from the inside out. I’d gotten so used to just living moment to moment, with little self control in areas that, in that moment, weren’t a big deal in and of themself. About a year ago, I felt like God was saying to me it a time I was really struggling to overcome some junk I let stick around for far too long, that if I would brush my teeth before I went to bed that night, that I would be able to overcome these struggles I was having in a bunch of areas in my life.
What I knew he was telling me is that if I’m willing, at a time I’m dead tired, feeling depressed, anxious and trapped, to do a task that could have waited until morning, I would begin to learn self discipline. This would guide me to a long year of going through valleys and valleys of those valleys, filled with self discovery, self discipline, and honesty with myself and others.
That’s just a back drop for what’s finally begun this year:
One funny thing that was a catalysts to a lot of this was getting a filing cabinet and dealing with all of my paperwork, collected in boxes and piles throughout all of my stuff. That lead to me organizing all of my tools and barber equipment to finally getting a system down for myself so that I could finally grow up a little bit, but also see spiritually how in my life, I’ve had everything mixed up with my emotions and feeling and art and passions. I felt like I was just a machine achieving tasks and sleeping, without much more feeling then feeling alone.
I also met a new friend that is extremely encouraging and passionate to love people, love Jesus and do life excellently. This new found friend caused my entire prospective and hope to change. For some reason, everything I was doing, I knew I was doing for a reason and everything that was changing in my life began to come alive in full color!
I saw how much Jesus loved me and was able to look back at that past year or more that I felt isolated and alone. Jesus began to fill me with passion to love and fight for my family and friends like I never had before.
From there, I’ve had a lot of old fears expose themselves to me and passed mistakes that tried to frame me. This happened through dreams and thought trying to convince me that That past junk was a part of my identity. Jesus spoke to me, through the Bible and through his still small voice to my heart. He asked me, “do you trust me?” and asked if I trusted him to take the shame and let him continue to love me.
All of this at once was a lot for me to take in, and I just felt myself drained. I was on social media way too much and eating in such an unhealthy way, I wasn’t able to take in everything going on.
In church on Sunday, I felt challenged to take a leap of faith and take a break from the things that were getting me tripped up, and I didn’t want to wait. I started that moment, and with God’s strength, he will be with me through the entire thing, and I will not only survive but thrive in his goodness.
Through this disconnection, I’ve felt so much more connected to the Holy Spirit of God, and so much more in need of him every moment.
The crazy part is, I’ve wanted to share all of this on social media, for such mixed reasons. I for one, wanted people to continue to see what God has been doing in my heart. Secondly though, I wanted people to notice me and think well of me. I feel like what I do often goes unseen by the people I want to see it, but I know that it’s not about that.
I know that God doesn’t need me to broadcast myself, especially if I believe that he is where I should find my strength and worth. I know that he will open up the eyes of any person that needs to hear my testimony.
More than anything, it’s in times that we embrace healing and freedom, with no one else around to see or hear specifically what’s going on, that we don’t only grow, but we build character.
I also realized that at times before, I would reach out through my Instagram story or Facebook posts to find recognition for something to try to build myself up, or overcompensate for a place I was feeling weak.
Now, I am able to find myself first feeling alone, to realizing God’s nearness and closeness. From there, I become filled with thankfulness, to a place of recognizing there is something that needs to be addressed. From there, my mind is clear enough to go to both the Bible, and my good friends that are able to build me up in faith and actually address the issues.
My disconnection from things that distracted me opened up doors to deeper friendships, deeper intimacy with Jesus, freedom from addiction, and trust that God has it all in control.
I’m writing this in a place of longing and knowing that this is only the beginning, and it will be even more worth it throughout each step I take from here.