2 Years Removed

Darkness. I sink so deep into darkness, yet I know about the light. 
I’ve read about and seen and even felt the light. And it only seems fitting that when that’s where my mind is, that I lie awake at night in the dark. 

 I search for happiness through the day. But like Indiana Jones, there’s always obstacle in my way, But I know that that treasure is somewhere to be found, but ’till then, I will find myself alone. 

And love is always one kiss away. But I can’t find that kiss and the pictures don’t say I love you or care if you stay. Just leave you lonely and scarred as they haunt you and say you’ll never find a true love because you’re filthy. You’ll never find a true love because the lovers are few. You’ll never have a true love, look where your loving has you. 

My hope, it hangs by a string, tied to memories and promises I received as a kid. So I’ll hang on tight and I won’t let it fall, because somehow I know it will be worth it all.

Now 2 years removed, so much has changed and so much is gone. So much has grown and things made right that were wrong, and that hope has kept me all along. Now the darkness is all gone away. Sometimes it comes around, but I won’t let him stay. I’ve become a good friends with the creator of light and I’ll cling to his side because he brings joy that’s not dry and that joy is my strength every day I have life. 

And happiness, I don’t seek it any longer. Of corse I want it, but it can not be found. It resides in joy and also in peace, so now I know that happiness is not the prize, but the byproduct of living a full life.
I see love is not found in a kiss, or a picture or a text that your missed. It’s not about sex and it can not be found in the darkness and loathing or the self destructive hours. When love comes about, it’s not always romantic, and in the best times, I didn’t see it coming at all. But it came from the people I’ve come to love the most. My friends on earth that are friends with the one above the earth. 

Love is found in conviction, in laughter, in long nights, in road trips, in prayers, in selfless giving, in inside jokes, in hard times and in memories. Love is not limited to these things, but stretches past our boundaries. Mostly because if i’m in my boundaries, the focus is still on me.

2 years removed from some of the darkest places in my life, I find myself looking back at all the things I thought mattered. I look at how it all led to decay and it all shattered. How what I thought was most important was the right focus with the wrong perspective. 

Hope, joy and love are still what drives me, yet now I know the light and he provides all my needs. His name is Jesus. And I’m no one special. That’s why I need him in every season. No less then anyone else daily needs him. 

Do you need him? He’s waiting for you. 
“Look! I stand at the door and knock. If you hear my voice and open the door, I will come in, and we will share a meal together as friends.” Revelation 3:20
Written July 20, 2016

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