Anxious Security

To be known and loved, is a wonderful place for a heart to reside, but those two truths can create a tension between a deep anxiety and an immense security. To be known is to be exposed, but is to also be heard. To be loved is to be accepted, cherished, protected. But love is not always unconditional and is sometimes undone by the exposure of our deepest insecurities, our most evil secrets and most painful traumas or injuries. Love has levels and not all love is equal. there is a true love that is available, yet because of the amount of cheap love we see, it’s almost hard to fully accept or believe. In response to this, my own instinct is often to put on my best face and share my best dreams. I try to only expose my traumas in ways that are palatable, and with grave explanation so as not to make myself seem to have any needs. I share my fears followed by the solutions because I don’t want people to think I am weak. I know a lot of good things and strive to live more freely, but we all are all still connected to the little versions of ourselves formed through the hurts and habits we acquired those many years ago with traumas repressed deeply in our subconscious memory. It’s hard to look into our most painful and most secure moments with equality of acceptance and see them both as worthy, but that is is the place we can start to become free; free from the critiques of the false self and striving to hide the uncomfortable and exaggerate what is holy.

It’s wonderful to see ourselves in secret, but deeper freedom is seen in the vulnerability of letting someone in on the deepest parts of you; to admit those parts to them and also to yourself, on record and out loud. Oh, how painful it is to open up wounds that have healed over on the surface that are killing you from the inside. Nevertheless, there is one that sticks closer than a brother, The Great Physician who knows your name, knows your pain. He hears you when you call, knows the source and is the cure. He asks us, but He asks you to come to Him in your weakness and heaviness of heart. He says He will give you rest. He fills you with peace that doesn’t make sense in your human understanding, and His love never ends.

To be fully known and fully loved is uncomfortable, because people fail us time and time again. There are rare people that I hope everyone has in their lives that show them a shadow of this type of full love. I want to be this type of person as I continue in lean into the security I find in friendship with Jesus. I find my anxiety shedding off, but there are flair ups, reactions when I place the weight of my value in the hands of someone who never asked to hold it. They don’t drop the ball of my self-worth because they want to drop it, but because the weight is more than they can carry.

I pray that I might some day find myself secure in the truth of my position before God, but until then, I will invite him into my anxious security.

Good Art (Poem)

There is no wasted love.
There is no great unknown.
Rather, there are things our hearts have known well,
that we have since forgotten;
things needing to be uncovered.

There is no holy grail, there’s no perfect fairytale.
There’s love for sure, and there’s buried treasure,
but it’s mostly buried within us
and is found when our hearts are untethered.

There’s longing in a fairy story that’s far beyond the tales and glory. It’s truth deeper and truer than our own stories hold, because the things otherwise unseen are pictured in the form of battles and fantasy.

I can’t quite put my finger on the reason we feel so complete
or incomplete
or hopeful of something sweeter than these black top streets.
The stories point to something,
like the physical pain in my knees
and the thoughts weighing heavy on my chest hold equal credence.

I know I’ve seen and felt things,
heard and known things I had no business knowing.
I know I’ve felt love and been loved by a being much
grander than human, and outside of a scope we can see.
Though supernatural experiences from the outside seems like delusion, seeing them first hand, I have resolution.

In the midst of calamity, we find camaraderie,
within peace and anxiety and somewhere between joy and tragedy
there’s a constant that has followed through history.

The earth has seen him and he’s seen the void before the earth’s beginning. His wisdom is unknowable and untamed, yet consistent all the same.
He’s a story teller through and through, a creative; no, the creative; Creativity himself.

I can not explain each stroke of his pen or why he penned me in.
I can’t explain the earthquakes or tragedy amidst the innocent.
I can’t fathom how this universe once wasn’t and now is
or all the dimensions within it, but I can tell you this:

When he said he loved me, for a while I didn’t believe him.
In my mind I heard him say it, but I believed it was just inside my mind, that I was perpetuating a lie I’d heard all my life.

There are coincidences, but when there’s too many,
we can make inferences.
It took weeks, months, before I’d believed him.
The way I’ve lived outwardly changed and inwardly began to rearrange, but what I did in secret didn’t say I loved him.

My outward kindness was a cover for my selfishness.
My insecurity was blanketed by enough transparency
for people to see what I wanted them to see.
I was less concerned with what God saw from his perspective,
as long as his Christians thought I was “it”.

I wanted to be fully free from the dichotomy
and staying busy kept the feelings at bay,
at least until the evenings.

But there’s a difference between speaking it and living it.
My heart’s a mess without Jesus at the helm.
No counterfeit can stand up to the genuine,
even if no one else can tell.

If my senses are ever off track,
be it good music, a movie or a painting,
a bird singing, bees racing or a sunset that’s slowly fading,
good art points to something,
points to someone,
points to the hope beyond me and you.
It’s real, even if you don’t believe it.
If you conclude the truth,
there’s no turning back, there’s only through,
because love himself will pour himself into you.

We will never unravel all truth,
though through curious questioning,
there are dim views and little clues,
while blame is a warped and clouded mirror to look through.

In practicality, I’d rather be safe than sorry,
to choose to trust a grander story that holds weight in history.
To give everything for a treasure that’s forever,
and if that treasure be untrue,
the life I would live would be enough of a gift
to this world we’ve been bound to.

It is the most logical and most unnerving thing to give up total autonomy to a being we can not see, but from what I’ve seen, it’s worth the risk.

*end scene*

To Someone *but not just anyone (Poem)

Oh future one, who you may be, I’m giving all I have to be the one that you would fall for. I share the things I’d rather let alone, the moments that I treasure, I post in plain view, hoping that who you may be would see southing in me; something you haven’t seen.

I find myself shooting shots to every screen, hoping that it would be a place my love hasn’t been, place that one would find my heart and treat it better then just another one. I don’t want this futile desperation, falsifying my character, overemphasizing my desires and heightening my anxiety with fear of rejection.

This is not who I am and not at all who I plan to be. My funk I’ve planted myself in will not be the place I stretch my roots in. I want to be at a place that God is all I need, with friends by my side. The family of God being unified, but in Christ, being satisfied. There’s still something about a life partner though. Something I long for, but something worth the lull, something worth fighting for.

I don’t want to settle for someone I don’t feel free with. Being tied down and walking on egg shells are thing I want to avoid like prison and bomb shells. I want to be able to be free without selling myself and advertising that I’m worth someones time. I want to be seen for me.

I want to be believed in. I want to be valued from one who’s willing to take me on; and it’s selfish in part, but I want to invest in someone and champion them for everything they are and everything they’ve done. I want to love. I want to hold hands and dance. I want to talk about the things we don’t understand. I want to stay up way too late, feeling drained, doing something mundane, but knowing who I’m doing it for is worth every second of the pain. I want to grow and be known, but more so, learn about someone from head to toe and toe to head and back again, because in each season we change and I don’t want to be ok with knowing who that someone was yesterday.

I don’t think my desires are too much of a fairy tail or a romantics dream, but if it is, I hope that someone is my dream come true.

Who I was: Who I am.

If I don’t act the way I say I want to be, where is my true identity? Is it the person that I am or the shadowed hope of the me I’ve only dreamed?
The only one holding me back from being fully free is my tethered heart to the me I used to be, the carcus that’s rotten but comfortable for me to slip back in. I might be hot then cold and back again, but the difference is still Luke warm and that’s no place to be living.

To know the truth and choose that broken shell is like watching supersize me and still buying fast food. We do it, but why when we could choose?

This fast food mind is too impatient to wait for the grace and wait for one woman and wait for an answer and waiting for more than a moment.

I want the stake, man, teach me to marinate! Teach me to sit with the cookbook and ponder it. That’s the Bible, got those tasty love recipes, but the pure heart, discipline and self control, I’ll skip to the next, or better yet, I just got a text. That sounds so much more stimulating then this! Maybe God will speak to me there, but it doesn’t matter if he does or not, at night, my mind will wander to beneath the underwear and I’ll let it lead me, though I swore I’d given that over to Jesus as well as the control, but without any self control, how do I even expect that I’ll chose to follow him when I’m alone in bed.

Lonlieness is no excuse for compromise, but I sure let it convince me it is.

All I know is Jesus has saved me from my sins, he loves me even in my contradictions and hard knock living. I know I’m getting to know him better, relearning how to be his friend that is willing to lay down his life for him. But what will it take for me to sink that needle of truth into my chest that it seeps through to who I am?

I don’t know, but I will keep holding on, pushing one step closer, so that my yes is yes and no is no and freedom is full!

FULL of Emptiness (Poem)

I am full, yet I am empty. It is not simply content that can fill the void inside of me, but only silence; only solitude will truly bring me into a place of fullness of joy and identity.

To say all the right things outwardly, to do all the right things publicly, it only blows up the outward appearance like a balloon. From another’s vantage point, it creates an illusion of fullness, while in reality, it only makes the emptiness that much greater.

As I sit, I saturate, and I absorb as I meditate. I am satisfied as I loosen my belt and rest, as I sease to strive. This phenomenon does not exist for irony’s sake, but for the one that did create, who does not cease in His goodness, who does not falter in any way.

We’re filled when we’re empty, we’re strong when we’re weary, we know peace in calamity, and we’re wise when we embrace simplicity.

This is true, because at the end of our abilities, we are able to embrace humility. At the end of ourselves, in the rest of our Heavenly Father, we are filled.

So I throw aside all of my distractions, sit in His presence and saturate in His goodness, meditate on His word and absorb it’s challenges and its promises that hold true. I’ll rest in his peace, even when everything around me is in peaces, and in simple faith is where my strength and confidence will stand undefeated.

I know the practicals, and I believe it in my mind, but Jesus, would you change my heart.

“Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.” Romans 12:2 (ESV)

longlasting Longing

Full of that heart pulling, gut dropping ache. Hear again, there again ache. Longing for more then a day, lasting what feels like eternity. Simultaneously, my mind turns inside out, up, over and down, as my longings and passions seem to drown and be pushed down by circumstances that surround, but the business and yawning can’t drown out the pounding in my chest for clarity; but not the kind that I know every step and outcome that surrounds each moment of my life or some magical treasure map of what step is the right one and what one leads to sorrow. I want the clarity of mind to know my longings are not in vain. I want to be so close to my maker that my confidence is in his words, and can proudly bare a seal with his name.

The late king of Israel wrote famously that the Lord would give me the desires of my hear, but less famous are the preceding words. Trust in the Lord and delight yourself in the LORD, but I often find my trust in my limitations and my delight in places of danger. My longings are pulled and my trust is invested, so my longings are tested. Is the heart with brown eyes to be a part of my heart in time, or is my romantic mind leading me toward wasted time and a fools surprise. Are the pursuit of hobbies and passions leading me towards success, aka happiness and fulfillment through those I bless, or am I spreading myself thin, to where my joy will be lost in the business and different directions, taking a right hook from hope in the chin.

Each outcome is followed by something new, and my longings have been long on brew. These longtime longings will take time to go through, but what is there to do but through all my pride in the air, take on a life of service, always in repair, and learn from each desire that wells up and never giving them up without understanding what’s up. I will wrestle with my heart, hand it over and over to, not just my Lord, but also my savior and listen closer. Am I longing for more then ideas that looks good on paper? Time will testify the faith big and small and the true integrity in my heart.

Exposure: First Performances

Music is one of the most influential and most widely partaken in arts of history. For me, I’ve always been around and involved in music my entire life. Music is found in virtually every culture, if not every culture, and it doesn’t fail to move us humans; even the hardest of hearts.

Being in my family, I’ve had a bunch of first performances on stage. from silly skits at my grandparents house, performing fan favorites and classics like The Road Kill Cooking Show and plenty of others, to Sight and Sound Theater, where my first show ever, my wig fell off in front of the entire audience of roughly 2,000 people. I’ve been in school musicals and National Fine Arts (a church competition) to just performing at my church in various ways. There are definitely stories to tell, but this one felt different.

I started writing poetry and songs in my junior year in high school, and I had shared my music and poems with others before, but I got to share an original of mine and accompanied my brother, Stephen on a cover at a girl from our youth group’s event to raise money for her missions trip, and I had this overwhelming feeling: I wouldn’t mind doing this. Like, if it was my career, even just for a season, I would feel at home; because that stage felt like home. It wasn’t really because of the stage itself, or the audience in particular or the atmosphere, although it was nice, but it was sitting on my cajon drum, next to my brother, playing music.

This first performance was followed not but a few weeks later, performing a song with my friends at a dinner theatre. A song Luke Cassidy and I wrote together for our band that has, of now, only performed one song at one venue, but it also felt like home. We performed the song “Flesh and Blood” (really the only song we’ve finished so far together) that is really one of the most vulnerable songs I’ve personally written exposing my insecurities, but sharing them in my favorite art form with some of my favorite people was liberating.

Theres just something about the first time we do something, and theres something even more amazing about realizing as you’re doing it for the first time that its something you want to be involved in for the rest of your life! your thing might not be music or writing or mountain biking, or bee keeping, or anything I’m into, but it might be painting or skateboarding or swimming or math or any other sports, or counseling, or welding. Whatever it may be…

GO FOR IT!

Do it with everything in you. don’t let stats or money or time in your way. Stats might always be agents you, but theres always a percentage that succeeds. You be in that. You’ll never have enough money, so budget and work your butt off! My friend, Andrew always says, “do things you don’t want to do so you can do the things you want to do!” As for time, it is always passing by, and what I have to say for time is you don’t have time to keep talking about doing the things you love. You do have time to do them, but it priority time!

It’s always a balance, and the best way to balance out my advice in the previous paragraph is in two words: Love. Pray.

Loving, and in turn, serving others will never bring you down, because love never fails! (Check out 1 Corinthians 13. It talks all about it.) And God is always rooting for you to succeed and through desiring him and taking pressure off yourself to make things happen, follow him as he leads you, as your pursuing your dreams. Your biggest dreams are only a fraction of the plans God has for you, if you’re following him right now or not. Through giving him control, you will enter the most thrilling times in your life filled with joy, hardships, pain and peace, but the best part is the hardships and pain will come and go, but they and peace will last through it all.

Live Music: Nothing Better

Tonight, I attended a long awaited show, to see an artist and I dare say friend, Jess Ray. She was also joint by a few artists that I now am big fans of, Taylor Leonhardt that played alongside Jess, as well as a husband/wife duo, Chris and Jenna. What an amazing night.
I say all that to intro into the rest of this post to give credit to the ones who inspired these thoughts! If you want to check them out, I recommend them all, 5 star rating!

Something I’ve found to be true every time I’ve heard a band live is what really hooks me is the jenuinness of the artist at hand. I’ve been to a few shows in my life, and some bands I might have even kind of liked before I saw them can turn me off because of their attitude toward their fans or potentials, aka, audience members.

I feel like most people, if not everyone if they’re honest want to be appreciated and something I’ve loved is the artists, like the four tonight, shared themselves on the stage and off the stage. And that’s a big deal! That’s one reason I love music more then anything else. You get to know a little bit more about the artist you’ve invested in. Also, you get to hear some backstory of some songs if the artist so wishes to share.

Another thing I love is you might be hearing a song that’s been played before or that you’ve heard, but you get to feel it! You get to delve into the emotion brought by the artist, and you get a performance that can’t be replicated.

The last thing I’d mention is that you become apart of the piece of music. You become immersed in the middle of a piece of art. Taylor sang her beautiful song Behold, and invited to audience to sing the chorus with her, and what a beautiful sound came from the stage, as well as the people in the seats next to you. At some bigger shows, you might even have a full arena in one voice, unifying, and that really is a magical thing. Music, epecially Live music, brings people together and creates a moment unlike any other!

Thank you, friends, for sharing your talents tonight. May God bless the rest of your tour stops!(Ps. For real. Buy their music. All of it.)

Moon

I’ve looked to the moon and I’ve tried to fully understand how it works.At times it hides it’s loom, but it has the power to bring light to the dark.

When it’s setting the mood, or accompanying the stars, it’s simply not trying at all.
Now imagine with me for a moment that the moon started to try

That it was no longer mindless, that the man there of would wake and strive.

He would shine for goodness and hide his face from evil.

That he would bring peace and rest to parents and children equal.

That each morning, he would bow there to the sun.
Let us not forget that the moon is just a reflection of the sun.

The sun is the center of the solar system,

But the moon serves earth and the sun all at once.

When earth is filled with darkness, the moon gives a hint of what the sun has to show

Giving credit each morning to the one who gave the glow.

Because this he knows, without light he is nothing.

Without love, we are nothing.

What will it take for us to serve like the moon.
10/15

Dear Artist

Dear artist, your expression is far more beautiful then any word, or even a thousand could express. As you create, wether it be with words, pottery, instrument or paint, you move into a place that others can enjoy and find a way to relate. Even though their minds are practical, they can escape into the art your mind and body join together to make.

Oh writers, your mind is filled with wonderful stories or essays or poetry or plays. Creations of literary art, that express how humanity was, should be or never could portray.Your diligence to detail and language is amazing, enjoying each word, and letting every one of them impact your life’s framing.

And to you, photographer, the artist of the century. The one who captures beauty in the moments many others leave unseen or strictly in their memory. Your eyes are tuned to a focus not even your camera can always capture, but if you can help it, it will not go un-captured.
And fashion enthusiasts and creators, as you mix and match, as you rip apart and reattach, as you discover or uncover, you put yourself into each inch that covers the canvas also known as your body.
But artists of every form! Weather you enjoy the creation or stand in awe as your eyes and ears follow them, do not loose your humanity! Do not let your personality be so impacted that your heart can’t feel normalcy. I’ve seen it and felt it, and it changes your perspective if you step back and look at the path you’ve entered.

Let your art be your expression, not your identity. If your art form was detached from you, would you be more then a corps? You see, Sometimes our art becomes our drugs that hide our insecurities, but the ironic part is, sometimes it just heightens them until all we seek is the perfect song that people will sing, the perfect picture that will get the most likes on the phone screen, read the right book that will make you forget your own pain, or wear the right thing to make people turn their heads to see.

Let your identity be found in your laughter, your smile, your compassion and your love. Let it be found in your friendships you invest in, your joy and your hugs.
Connect with reality, people, nature and the creator of it all and let your art be a pure expression of your life. Not the other way around.
Artist, if we put a price tag on our art and our soul, to be sold to a buyer, which price tag would be higher?
11/27/15

What Matters

LIFE: Thoughts, Inspiration, Poetry

Category: Art