FULL of Emptiness (Poem)

FULL of Emptiness (Poem)

I am full, yet I am empty. It is not simply content that can fill the void inside of me, but only silence; only solitude will truly bring me into a place of fullness of joy and identity.

To say all the right things outwardly, to do all the right things publicly, it only blows up the outward appearance like a balloon. From another’s vantage point, it creates an illusion of fullness, while in reality, it only makes the emptiness that much greater.

As I sit, I saturate, and I absorb as I meditate. I am satisfied as I loosen my belt and rest, as I sease to strive. This phenomenon does not exist for irony’s sake, but for the one that did create, who does not cease in His goodness, who does not falter in any way.

We’re filled when we’re empty, we’re strong when we’re weary, we know peace in calamity, and we’re wise when we embrace simplicity.

This is true, because at the end of our abilities, we are able to embrace humility. At the end of ourselves, in the rest of our Heavenly Father, we are filled.

So I throw aside all of my distractions, sit in His presence and saturate in His goodness, meditate on His word and absorb it’s challenges and its promises that hold true. I’ll rest in his peace, even when everything around me is in peaces, and in simple faith is where my strength and confidence will stand undefeated.

I know the practicals, and I believe it in my mind, but Jesus, would you change my heart.


“Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.” Romans 12:2 (ESV)

Garden Restoraton (Poem)

Garden Restoraton (Poem)

I’ve wrestled with my mind in desperation
And I’ve become crippled by its convincing blows.
My defenses were weak and the forest of my mind was overgrown.
The lies have become trees that block the Sun’s rays
And my mind was shielded from its promises, with little light shining through the trees and heavy haze.

But while my defenses were all but destroyed and my mind almost def from all the noise, an old friend introduced Hope.
Hope has no one face, and is friends with Joy, Patience and Grace.
These strangers saw my forest and all the mess along with it. But most of all, they saw the little light shining through and knew there was more I could get.

These strangers and I began to landscape.
Where each tree was erased, the light began to replace.
With the brush dragged away, a fresh wind removed the haze.
Now the land is clear today
Of any tree able to decay.
Only one tree remains.
It has been there all along.
This tree will always stay and always be strong.
But the difference between this tree and the rest, is this tree brings life to the land, not death.
It’s shade is calm, it’s fruit is sweet.
It brings rest to all who need.

The friends who came were all unique and born to different lands, through my old friend brought them to a new clan.
This friend was Love, who’s spirit carried the best of everyone of them and so much more.
And thanks to Love, I was no longer torn.
I was in their clan, forever and more.

There is a hidden beauty in the garden that has now been discovered.
Through hope and joy and all the others,
Lies were uprooted and life was uncovered.

written: 3.26.15

longlasting Longing

longlasting Longing

Full of that heart pulling, gut dropping ache. Hear again, there again ache. Longing for more then a day, lasting what feels like eternity. Simultaneously, my mind turns inside out, up, over and down, as my longings and passions seem to drown and be pushed down by circumstances that surround, but the business and yawning can’t drown out the pounding in my chest for clarity; but not the kind that I know every step and outcome that surrounds each moment of my life or some magical treasure map of what step is the right one and what one leads to sorrow. I want the clarity of mind to know my longings are not in vain. I want to be so close to my maker that my confidence is in his words, and can proudly bare a seal with his name.

The late king of Israel wrote famously that the Lord would give me the desires of my hear, but less famous are the preceding words. Trust in the Lord and delight yourself in the LORD, but I often find my trust in my limitations and my delight in places of danger. My longings are pulled and my trust is invested, so my longings are tested. Is the heart with brown eyes to be a part of my heart in time, or is my romantic mind leading me toward wasted time and a fools surprise. Are the pursuit of hobbies and passions leading me towards success, aka happiness and fulfillment through those I bless, or am I spreading myself thin, to where my joy will be lost in the business and different directions, taking a right hook from hope in the chin.

Each outcome is followed by something new, and my longings have been long on brew. These longtime longings will take time to go through, but what is there to do but through all my pride in the air, take on a life of service, always in repair, and learn from each desire that wells up and never giving them up without understanding what’s up. I will wrestle with my heart, hand it over and over to, not just my Lord, but also my savior and listen closer. Am I longing for more then ideas that looks good on paper? Time will testify the faith big and small and the true integrity in my heart.


Losing Control (Poem)

Losing Control (Poem)

I’m falling for the longing of a life of no control.
Of a life that’s void of restraints, and free of tolls.
These stations do nothing but slow down my bones.

Life is made to be taken by the horns, but when the bull is coming head on, I used to run.
Either option, to stay or run seems worthless, but no reasoning will stop the bulls from coming, so I will stop running and start fighting.

I’m falling for that longing of a life of no control.
Of a life I’ve given everything over to the creator of my soul.
And the desire rings on louder then a Rotary phone.

Life is made to be flown like a kite, and when negativity comes by, it can stand on by because I’m far lighter, soaring high up in the sky and I won’t even bat an eye or let my joy subside, because I know my worth and know the lies I won’t and can’t let in.

As I fall deeper for that longing of a life of no control,
Of that life that takes gain and pain and morning all in full.
There is a time for every season and a lesson closer still.

Life is made for tears like oceans, when new life comes, or long life fades or love begins or money flies away, the tears from plenty and tears from little surely flow; although, there’s no question each tear will dry or be wiped away. Yet, before the tears are gone, may I not loose sight of the joy in each aching strain and the lesson learned in the waiting.

life is not made for control, so as the jellyfish is pulled by the current, may I embrace the flow of life, but may I propel myself toward truth. Jesus commanded the seas for his frightened and doubting disciples, so I’m sure he’ll direct me on to him.

But I Don’t, But I Will.

I want to fall in love with you, 

But I can’t, but I will. 

I long to really know you,
More then just your name and a few things about you.

I want to give you all of me

But I don’t, but I will.
How can I make me love you? 

You first loved me, but what does that mean?

I can’t leave you, I know you’re who I want and you fill all my dreams. 
But the rain always comes on the worst of days, 

and I feel that each time I escape, 

like a dog, I’m returning to eat my vomit.

I take peace and stomp on it.
Though I find myself running in circles, I’m running none the less.

And I’m not running on a track. Each time I run forward, I make it a little farther then the last.

On each turn back, when I’m bummed I even gave in, I don’t return as far as I did in the past.

This cycle is a process I know I don’t want to live in, but with each look back forward, 
To Love, Himself, my longing grows longer and my endurance grows stronger. 
It’s a love I’ve decided I won’t give up on.

It’s a love I will keep trying for,

A love that’s been died for.
I want to fall in love with you,

But I can’t, but I will. 

I long to really know you,

More then just your name and a few things about you.

I want to give you all of me

But I don’t, but I will.

2 Years Removed

Darkness. I sink so deep into darkness, yet I know about the light. 
I’ve read about and seen and even felt the light. And it only seems fitting that when that’s where my mind is, that I lie awake at night in the dark. 

 I search for happiness through the day. But like Indiana Jones, there’s always obstacle in my way, But I know that that treasure is somewhere to be found, but ’till then, I will find myself alone. 

And love is always one kiss away. But I can’t find that kiss and the pictures don’t say I love you or care if you stay. Just leave you lonely and scarred as they haunt you and say you’ll never find a true love because you’re filthy. You’ll never find a true love because the lovers are few. You’ll never have a true love, look where your loving has you. 

My hope, it hangs by a string, tied to memories and promises I received as a kid. So I’ll hang on tight and I won’t let it fall, because somehow I know it will be worth it all.

Now 2 years removed, so much has changed and so much is gone. So much has grown and things made right that were wrong, and that hope has kept me all along. Now the darkness is all gone away. Sometimes it comes around, but I won’t let him stay. I’ve become a good friends with the creator of light and I’ll cling to his side because he brings joy that’s not dry and that joy is my strength every day I have life. 

And happiness, I don’t seek it any longer. Of corse I want it, but it can not be found. It resides in joy and also in peace, so now I know that happiness is not the prize, but the byproduct of living a full life.
I see love is not found in a kiss, or a picture or a text that your missed. It’s not about sex and it can not be found in the darkness and loathing or the self destructive hours. When love comes about, it’s not always romantic, and in the best times, I didn’t see it coming at all. But it came from the people I’ve come to love the most. My friends on earth that are friends with the one above the earth. 

Love is found in conviction, in laughter, in long nights, in road trips, in prayers, in selfless giving, in inside jokes, in hard times and in memories. Love is not limited to these things, but stretches past our boundaries. Mostly because if i’m in my boundaries, the focus is still on me.

2 years removed from some of the darkest places in my life, I find myself looking back at all the things I thought mattered. I look at how it all led to decay and it all shattered. How what I thought was most important was the right focus with the wrong perspective. 

Hope, joy and love are still what drives me, yet now I know the light and he provides all my needs. His name is Jesus. And I’m no one special. That’s why I need him in every season. No less then anyone else daily needs him. 

Do you need him? He’s waiting for you. 
“Look! I stand at the door and knock. If you hear my voice and open the door, I will come in, and we will share a meal together as friends.” Revelation 3:20
Written July 20, 2016


Itching, like I just rolled around in fiberglass insolation, I’m itching.

I don’t know what to do so I’m gripping, and grasping for something new to find something that will smooth and set my heart at ease…………………… uhhhhh

It’s not working, ignoring makes me focus more closely to things I so deeply want souring far away from my life and each time I send them off, they just come back like a moth to a damned night and I can’t STAND IT!…………………ohhhhh

Random, am I living life of joy like my tattooed arm proclaims, that quotation, “The joy of the Lord is my strength” I once felt it in my veins, screamed truth through my DNA. Stop and think… yes this phrase is true, because when I’m strongest he is near and when I’m weakest I’m over there……….. ahhhhh

I’m growing, and I see new life out there. There’s so much to be seen, so many lives to hear of God’s glory, and so many still to live fuller lives, and to admit that… it’s friends that see us through. I know I can’t do this on my own… but with friends, we’re not alone.

But friends have dragged me here and there and friends have dragged me high and low. Friendship have come and go and become closer then a brother to a strangers a year later and I cannot go through life with friends like that if I can’t know they have my back. If I can’t know they’ll come at a drop of a hat. With friends like those, I’d be stuck. 

But now a days I’ve no excuse. I have friends who won’t let me fall. Now I can not recluse when I’m feeling of no use. When I’m hurt, or dirty or feel like death, I must turn back to my friends, the young ones for vision, old ones for wisdom and both for love and encouragement. 
I can’t stay here and itch, try to ignore or think anymore without a friend to know. To lead me back to joy. So when they’re here and I am there, I can give love back, so when somebody needs a friend, I’m there and I have back up and even when I itch again, when I try to ignore the pain, they’ll be there, but even so…….. 
I’ll have there backs. Because that’s what friends are for!