I’m drowning in an ocean of life vests, trying to ignore them. But I relent. I’m searching for one that will work best and hold fast, but for God’s sake, or really my own, I need to just grab one!

The more options I have, the more I want to push back, trying to swim away taking on mouthfuls of salty water and eyes full of the foamy sea, as I stray, growing weary.

I feel so lonely, so lowly and un holy. I feel so un whole.

Instinctively, in my pain and pending death, I grab ahold of a lifejacket, not worrying the size, not taking notice to the warnings or weight ratings, for just hope it will preserve my life. As I throw it on, I start sinking, but as I paddle my feet, I manage to stay afloat.

I grab the next one in sight, and it keeps my head above water, yet is far too tight. I’m sticking with it until I see another one and grab it. This one is tattered and worn, ripped, clasps broken, yet stories untold could reach the depths of this ocean of the countless accounts of saving it has done.

But what floats in the distance is beyond comprehension or reason. After jumping ship and drifting out to sea, my captain had not stopped pitching me vests. He wouldn’t give up on me yet.

Although shame himself could have singlehandedly thrown me out into that vast blue, he chose to convince me to do it myself, concluding I did not even deserve to be. Why I listened after the offer of full forgiveness from the captain, I can not answer, but I listened to the lie that the price must be paid with my soul, even though the caption himself had paid the price in full.

And as I stare at this ocean of life vests, peering through, I see a life boat. A boat I know I do not deserve, and a boat I long for. Not just for the boat, but it’s contents as well! My captain himself left the rest for me. Still in the distance, I am left to decide: Stay here floating, temporarily servicing, alone and dying; or will I board the boat of safety, on top of the roaring sea and all of it’s creatures of malice, instead of in it, thriving, forgiven, united, and alive…

The answer seems simple, yet I hold back. What will it take for me to recieve the fullness of my captain’s saving?

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