Losing Control (Poem)

Losing Control (Poem)

I’m falling for the longing of a life of no control.
Of a life that’s void of restraints, and free of tolls.
These stations do nothing but slow down my bones.

Life is made to be taken by the horns, but when the bull is coming head on, I used to run.
Either option, to stay or run seems worthless, but no reasoning will stop the bulls from coming, so I will stop running and start fighting.

I’m falling for that longing of a life of no control.
Of a life I’ve given everything over to the creator of my soul.
And the desire rings on louder then a Rotary phone.

Life is made to be flown like a kite, and when negativity comes by, it can stand on by because I’m far lighter, soaring high up in the sky and I won’t even bat an eye or let my joy subside, because I know my worth and know the lies I won’t and can’t let in.

As I fall deeper for that longing of a life of no control,
Of that life that takes gain and pain and morning all in full.
There is a time for every season and a lesson closer still.

Life is made for tears like oceans, when new life comes, or long life fades or love begins or money flies away, the tears from plenty and tears from little surely flow; although, there’s no question each tear will dry or be wiped away. Yet, before the tears are gone, may I not loose sight of the joy in each aching strain and the lesson learned in the waiting.

life is not made for control, so as the jellyfish is pulled by the current, may I embrace the flow of life, but may I propel myself toward truth. Jesus commanded the seas for his frightened and doubting disciples, so I’m sure he’ll direct me on to him.

Exposure: First Performances

Exposure: First Performances

Music is one of the most influential and most widely partaken in arts of history. For me, I’ve always been around and involved in music my entire life. Music is found in virtually every culture, if not every culture, and it doesn’t fail to move us humans; even the hardest of hearts.

Being in my family, I’ve had a bunch of first performances on stage. from silly skits at my grandparents house, performing fan favorites and classics like The Road Kill Cooking Show and plenty of others, to Sight and Sound Theater, where my first show ever, my wig fell off in front of the entire audience of roughly 2,000 people. I’ve been in school musicals and National Fine Arts (a church competition) to just performing at my church in various ways. There are definitely stories to tell, but this one felt different.

I started writing poetry and songs in my junior year in high school, and I had shared my music and poems with others before, but I got to share an original of mine and accompanied my brother, Stephen on a cover at a girl from our youth group’s event to raise money for her missions trip, and I had this overwhelming feeling: I wouldn’t mind doing this. Like, if it was my career, even just for a season, I would feel at home; because that stage felt like home. It wasn’t really because of the stage itself, or the audience in particular or the atmosphere, although it was nice, but it was sitting on my cajon drum, next to my brother, playing music.

This first performance was followed not but a few weeks later, performing a song with my friends at a dinner theatre. A song Luke Cassidy and I wrote together for our band that has, of now, only performed one song at one venue, but it also felt like home. We performed the song “Flesh and Blood” (really the only song we’ve finished so far together) that is really one of the most vulnerable songs I’ve personally written exposing my insecurities, but sharing them in my favorite art form with some of my favorite people was liberating.

Theres just something about the first time we do something, and theres something even more amazing about realizing as you’re doing it for the first time that its something you want to be involved in for the rest of your life! your thing might not be music or writing or mountain biking, or bee keeping, or anything I’m into, but it might be painting or skateboarding or swimming or math or any other sports, or counseling, or welding. Whatever it may be…


Do it with everything in you. don’t let stats or money or time in your way. Stats might always be agents you, but theres always a percentage that succeeds. You be in that. You’ll never have enough money, so budget and work your butt off! My friend, Andrew always says, “do things you don’t want to do so you can do the things you want to do!” As for time, it is always passing by, and what I have to say for time is you don’t have time to keep talking about doing the things you love. You do have time to do them, but it priority time!

It’s always a balance, and the best way to balance out my advice in the previous paragraph is in two words: Love. Pray.

Loving,  and in turn, serving others will never bring you down, because love never fails! (Check out 1 Corinthians 13. It talks all about it.) And God is always rooting for you to succeed and through desiring him and taking pressure off yourself to make things happen, follow him as he leads you, as your pursuing your dreams. Your biggest dreams are only a fraction of the plans God has for you, if you’re following him right now or not. Through giving him control, you will enter the most thrilling times in your life filled with joy, hardships, pain and peace, but the best part is the hardships and pain will come and go, but they and peace will last through it all.


Adoption: Unfiltered Love

Maybe it’s just me, but I’m sure we all see someone act a certain way, or do a specific thing that just irks us.
One time, back in high school (I say that because it makes me sound grown up, or maybe convince someone I’m old enough to take advice from) in my public speaking class, our teacher assigned us a project to voice our pet peeve. It quickly turned into a tiring of rants, ranging from “chewing gum like a cow” to “mouth breathing” and always ending in a long line of driving annoyances. My point being, it’s usually not that hard for us to think of these things, because they are those few things that trigger us without too much warning, yet much consequence, either with an outward explosion that effects everyone, or an inward explosion that only effects the eyebrows and possibly the trajectory of the edges of a once present smile. 

But to bring it back in, I heard a a poem and it spoke about the struggles of anxiety. Now, I wouldn’t consider this to be a pet peeve by any means, but it does fit in the category for me of something I don’t handle well. I know it’s very well an issue that plages plenty of lives around the earth, but from the outside looking in, it’s really hard for me to understand or sympathize because my understanding doesn’t compute with the needs/patience it requires to be the best person for someone who suffers with anxiety. 

I said all that to set a backdrop for this thought that went through my head:

“I could never see myself being able to marry someone who as severe anxiety,” to be followed by another thought, “I hope I don’t have any kids who suffer from anxiety” to be lead by another line of thought, “well, if it’s addressed while they’re young, hopefully it won’t be as bad when they get older” to “but what if I adopt like I’ve said I want to do?”

This question struck me, and I didn’t have any answer, as if the other answers to the previous questions were really very good, but I thought about this concept, while I was warming the water to get in the shower. Adoption is really an amazingly hard, and amazingly amazing thing! Taking a child in that has had possibly no prior personal experience or maybe even recollection of seeing a good family, much less feeling loved by someone who is choosing you. Not just someone who wanted a kid, but someone who wanted YOU. 

Having recently gone through some personal self-condemning and feeling absent and unworthy of God, I couldn’t help think about the statement that he has adopted us into his family. Knowing all of our junk, all of our dirt, and and all of our downfalls, He doesn’t look at our weakness, but speaks life into our strengths. He sees our potential. Honestly, the other day when I first had this thought didn’t change me that much, but as it marinates in my mind, it gets juicier and more flavorful, because no matter how much I get myself down, Jesus is always there, encouraging and lifting me up out of a feeling of darkness. 

This motivates me even deeper to love children and even adults who haven’t ever experienced love in action toward them. 

Because I am loved, I love. 

But I Don’t, But I Will.

I want to fall in love with you, 

But I can’t, but I will. 

I long to really know you,
More then just your name and a few things about you.

I want to give you all of me

But I don’t, but I will.
How can I make me love you? 

You first loved me, but what does that mean?

I can’t leave you, I know you’re who I want and you fill all my dreams. 
But the rain always comes on the worst of days, 

and I feel that each time I escape, 

like a dog, I’m returning to eat my vomit.

I take peace and stomp on it.
Though I find myself running in circles, I’m running none the less.

And I’m not running on a track. Each time I run forward, I make it a little farther then the last.

On each turn back, when I’m bummed I even gave in, I don’t return as far as I did in the past.

This cycle is a process I know I don’t want to live in, but with each look back forward, 
To Love, Himself, my longing grows longer and my endurance grows stronger. 
It’s a love I’ve decided I won’t give up on.

It’s a love I will keep trying for,

A love that’s been died for.
I want to fall in love with you,

But I can’t, but I will. 

I long to really know you,

More then just your name and a few things about you.

I want to give you all of me

But I don’t, but I will.

Live Music: Nothing Better

Tonight, I attended a long awaited show, to see an artist and I dare say friend, Jess Ray. She was also joint by a few artists that I now am big fans of, Taylor Leonhardt that played alongside Jess, as well as a husband/wife duo, Chris and Jenna. What an amazing night. 
I say all that to intro into the rest of this post to give credit to the ones who inspired these thoughts! If you want to check them out, I recommend them all, 5 star rating!

Something I’ve found to be true every time I’ve heard a band live is what really hooks me is the jenuinness of the artist at hand. I’ve been to a few shows in my life, and some bands I might have even kind of liked before I saw them can turn me off because of their attitude toward their fans or potentials, aka, audience members. 

I feel like most people, if not everyone if they’re honest want to be appreciated and something I’ve loved is the artists, like the four tonight, shared themselves on the stage and off the stage. And that’s a big deal! That’s one reason I love music more then anything else. You get to know a little bit more about the artist you’ve invested in. Also, you get to hear some backstory of some songs if the artist so wishes to share. 

Another thing I love is you might be hearing a song that’s been played before or that you’ve heard, but you get to feel it! You get to delve into the emotion brought by the artist, and you get a performance that can’t be replicated. 

The last thing I’d mention is that you become apart of the piece of music. You become immersed in the middle of a piece of art. Taylor sang her beautiful song Behold, and invited to audience to sing the chorus with her, and what a beautiful sound came from the stage, as well as the people in the seats next to you. At some bigger shows, you might even have a full arena in one voice, unifying, and that really is a magical thing. Music, epecially Live music, brings people together and creates a moment unlike any other! 

Thank you, friends, for sharing your talents tonight. May God bless the rest of your tour stops!(Ps. For real. Buy their music. All of it.)

Something you’re not: personable vs friendly

I’ve found myself, throughout my life, having a hard time being personable. (This is an observation, and it’s not a bad thing. I’ll explain more as I go on.) I’ve seen some people have such a smooth approach and ease with starting conversations, holding conversations, ending conversations and even walking away from a conversation. Unfortunatly, if I just met you or if we’re not really close friends, I will butcher from one to all of these steps.  

This dilemma had and does frustrate me to this day. If I see someone I graduated or went to school with, just picture a train trying to derail as he sees another coming up the tracks. No matter what he tries to do, he either crashes head on and burns, or derails, crashes and burns. Either way, not a good situation. (If you’re one of those people, I sincerely apologize and wish I could have changed the outcome of that conversation and I hope you can look past the awkwardness produced by every syllable produced from my lips.)

If that was a little melodramatic, it wasn’t by much, but my point is, I’ve seen so many people approach the situation and walk away unscathed and with ease. 

This had also caused me frustration in teaching, talking to girls (mostly in high school. I’ve not so recently decided to put that on hold, but that’s for another topic) to meeting new people, etc. 

The thing that’s amazing though is this:
It’s ok to not be personable! It’s definitely a gift, but absolutely not necessary for life. This is what really gets important when the rubber hits the road; are you a good friend?

It’s one thing to be personable, but if you can’t be a good friend, your life will be filled with shallow acquaintances and void of true, reliable, relatable friendships that really have your back. The crazy thing is I’ve been there in a way, because I balanced out my person-ability with acting outlandish and loud and humor in some way, shape or form. 

Being friendly is less of a skill or a gift and more of a mindset in a way that develops into your character. Being a friend in short is the following:

  • Listening
  • Being there when it’s not convenient
  • Not focusing on relationship effort balance
  • Giving thought out and/or prayed through advice 
  • Donating your time
  • Doing all these things, even when you can’t get something back

That’s some really simple, yet externally challenging tasks, but what people need these days are true friends. What our generation needs are true friends. 
Are you personable?

 If yes, don’t hide behind it. Use your gift. Be a friend too!

 If no, don’t worry! Try your best (and prayer never hurts) and if it falls flat, be a friend! People need you. 

Are you a friend?