Category: Life lessons

Hopeful Romantic

I’m a hopeful romantic. I watch movies on love and I’ve watched pornography. Pornography has nothing on the love stories. I don’t want anything shy of true love, because when I was young, I dreamed of it too. Sex was not what I longed for. I longed to lay arm in arm with my lover and spend time with my lover. I dreamed to fight for my lover and sacrifice for my lover. 
When I was young, snuggling was my favorite thing and I never wanted anyone to feel sad or alone or anything like that. Not even my stuffed animals were safe from my comforting arms and neither was my mom. 

My tiny arms would grab ahold of anyone if they wanted or not. I felt lonelier then ever, so I did all I could to keep myself on everyone to see we wouldn’t fall apart. But words pierced like knives and as I spread my arms wide, I found myself lunging into them heart first. 

I’ve loved so many girls that I could loose track if I didn’t connect myself to them so deeply. I don’t know how I stretched my heart so wide through texts. Although my phone was taken away from me, it couldn’t stop me from trying to create love in places love would never be. 

From girl to girl and picture to picture, love started distorting down to every pixel. I’ve never lost my heart for love, but years of distortion and restoring and destroying and relearning, my heart is a jumbled mess. 

I want true love and nothing short of that. My heart knows that! My body doesn’t mind settling for a picture or video on the screen, but my heart beats louder and stronger and I don’t want any more sight of that distortion, but my heart is still soft, yet is shaped like a stone. It wants to shake off every lie it has been told but it looks like a rock and believes it’s hard and cold, even though it can feel the blood flow. It can hear the cry of love that’s untainted. 

I want to love people. I want to love Jesus. I want to have a lover. I want to be a lover. 

I’m far more fragile then I would like to admit, but I pray to God he will strengthen and renew me each and every day. I’m pushing through the grit and I’m pushing through the stones. I want so badly to be free. This time, there is freedom. I can feel it in my bones.

I’m a hopeful romantic and this is just how it goes. Healing is a process, and I’ll sing every wrong note until I sing it right or the trumpet blows. That’s just how it goes.

Words don’t Impress God, Neither do Actions. 


It’s interesting how as a Christian, I put a lot of pressure on myself to be reading my Bible, helping people, volenteering, praying and singing. The sad part about this is God doesn’t need any of it from me. 

I feel like sometimes, I can even see it as almost “paying my dues” or “doing God a favor” as if he needs me to tell him he’s awesome and all powerful and I love him. Or as though me reading the Bible is something I have to do so that God knows I mean business. Or as if me helping someone is so that God can get to someone and that should impress him.

I realized this one time while sitting down a few times this past week with my Bible. I felt so dissconected from anything going on in the passages and was thinking to myself, “what is the point of this? Is God really just wanting me to read this thing so I can know what it says and maybe get a few good points from it I can share throughout my week?”

I found myself wondering why we do any of this stuff, and I realized all of it is just worthless. Now I know the passage in the Bible that talks about anything without love is just a loud gong and means nothing, but it’s sinking in again, and sometimes I need a reminder. 

This stuff means nothing to him because he doesn’t need our affirmation, our helps or for us to read his words from 2,000+ years ago.. it’s meaningless. 

The reason it’s important is this:

He wants our moments! These are just a few of my favorite pictures with some of my favorite people I have on my phone over the past year or so. 

God wants our hears and he wants us to be focused on him throughout our moments. When we pray, it is so God can remind us of his faithfulness and graciousness. When we sing to him, it’s so that we can be reminded of his holieness, love and goodness. When we help others, we are able to experience the joy in giving and we receive more of the Father’s heart for his children. When we read his word and live by it, we receive joy and peace and freedom from a lot of hurtful stuff that is found through right living and we also here understand more of the Father’s heart. 

The ironic thing about this friendship and relationship and serventhood with our creator is that when we give everything to him, we’re really giving him something he already has given to us in the first place. On top of that, when we give him everything, he gives it back to us in purity and fullness. 

This relationship is rigged. We will never be able to pay him back and he’s ok with that. All he wants is us to stop trying to be worthy and to just do as his word say. 

“I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship. Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.”

‭‭Romans‬ ‭12:1-2‬ ‭ESV

For more awesome words from Jesus read the rest of the Bible, haha, but check out John 14. Jesus’ words are always on point.